For a while I've thought
about blogging again. Especially when the kids had birthdays or when
we moved to Oregon. They were all important moments that I wanted to
document, but I just never made the time. I figured that I would
probably write another blog post when we were expecting another
child. I was right. Except this isn't the story I planned on telling.
I recently read a quote by
Zoe Clark-Coates. It goes: “It is kind of shocking when your world
falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on
with life. How can the birds continue to sing? How can people carry
on loving life? It is like you have become frozen in time and are now
watching life like a movie. As the weeks and months roll by, life
becomes more real again, but you never forget that point in time
where life stood still.”
This year I've experienced
this moment twice.
Our adventure with trying to
conceive started late last year when we decided it was finally time
to have our fourth and last baby. I switched thyroid medication, so I
had to wait until my levels were where they needed to be. In December
everything came together. Mid January we found out we were expecting
baby #4! We were absolutely over the moon! We were so excited we even
told a few people right away, which we normally try not to do until
the three month mark.
I would sit and plan out how
I would get the kids to the bus stop on time since my due date was in
mid September. I pondered whether we would finally have another curly
haired child or if we would be lucky enough to have another boy so
Deen could have a brother. Two weeks after my positive pregnancy
test, I started spotting. I was alarmed, but not upset because I had
spotted with the other three pregnancies. I was sure it was fine, but
the spotting was going on too long. So I decided to make a doctors
appointment. I went alone because I was sure it was nothing. I sat
and waited what felt like the longest wait in the world. I met the
OBGYN for the first time during this appointment. I was nervous and
excited to see my baby.
All my excitement was
swallowed up with five words, “I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat.”
I always knew this was a possibility, but now it was a reality.
Something I had to face, but how could I? My world just crashed down
around me. Pieces everywhere. I felt like the weight of an elephant
was sitting on my chest, squeezing all the air out of me. How could
this be happening? The doctor printed off a picture of my perfect
peanut and all I could think about while he was talking to me was how
much I wanted that ultrasound picture. A beautiful keepsake of a baby
I would never get to see grow up. Instead I left with a prescription
for pain meds and made my way past the pregnant women with their
beautiful round bellies, trying not to cry or make a scene.
I don't remember driving
home. I remember crying and talking to my family, but the drive home
escapes me. All that time spent thinking about my life with this new
baby had flown out the window. All those plans were gone. All my
ideas of how the baby would look and act where also gone. I felt so
numb. “This couldn't be happening to me,” I thought. “I must be
watching someone else's life.”
It took a few weeks for my
body to catch on to what had happened. Of course the Universe decided
to pick a day Marty was out of town for work. Not to be too TMI, but
I was on the phone with my sister when I knew it was going to happen.
I'm so glad so could be there for me and talk me through this heart
wrenching experience. It was physically and emotionally painful, but
to this day I am so glad I got to say good bye to my tiny little
peanut who only ever knew love.
It took three months for my
body to get back to where it needed to be for us to think about
trying again. The idea freaked me out, but I knew its what I wanted
to do. Once again we got pregnant the first month. June 3rd
we found out we were expecting baby #5. I was thrilled. The chances
of miscarrying a second time is about 15%. So I figured the odds were
in our favor. I was completely positive this was it. I was so sick,
which is usually a good sign that things are going well. I had blood
work done and everything looked great. Once again I started imagining
life with a new baby. This baby's birthday would be around
Izebelle's. It would be interesting to have two birthdays so close
together. I would be almost halfway through my pregnancy when we went
on our trip in October, which meant I couldn't go on all the rides,
but that's ok. None of that mattered. All that mattered is that we
were welcoming another baby!
Then last week the
unthinkable happened. I started spotting again. I was just as far
along as I was with the last pregnancy. This couldn't be happening!!
I sat in my dining room crying and saying to myself, “I can't do
this again, I can't go through this again.” My doctor's office was
closed, so that meant I had to wait until Monday to be seen. My life
was on pause that weekend. I was trying, but I just couldn't
function. Luckily Marty is a great husband and he took over
everything while I rested. It was nice to not have to be around
everyone and pretend everything was alright when it wasn't.
Monday came and we went to
the appointment together. That day our worst fears were confirmed. We
learned that we had miscarried again. How??? Why??? I needed answers,
but there were no answers. I am healthy, my blood looks great, we
know everything works because we have 3 people that prove it. No
answers. “Just bad luck.” In the office I held back my tears
because I knew once they were out then that was it. I watched as
another ultrasound picture went into my file near the words “not
viable.” I made it to the elevator until I couldn't fight it
anymore. At home I froze as life around me went on. All my plans and
and thoughts about this child were gone too. This reality seemed
impossible. Recurrent miscarriages with no answers.
Now here I am. Waiting for
my body to catch on to what has happened again. For this past week I
allowed myself to cry when I need to, while trying not to drown in
grief, anger, and depression. Then yesterday I had an “aha”
moment. One that helped me feel absolutely at peace. I am clinging to
that feeling with all I have. The peace came because I was able to
see my circumstances in a more positive light. I know that no matter
what, these babies are forever a part of our family and even though
they were tiny, they made a huge impact on who I am. I am stronger,
wiser, more empathetic, and frankly a better mother because of them.
Soon the pain of their loss won't sting as much. Sure I will think
about them when I see pregnant women or newborns. I'll picture who
they might have been as I go through old baby clothes and when their
due dates come around. But as difficult and as painful as all of this
has been I am so glad I had them, even for such a short time.
I would also like to say, I
am also so grateful for the strength I receive from my Savior and
from my family. I know with them by my side I can overcome the trials
that push me beyond what I thought I could handle.
Posted By Jill Easter
Posted By Jill Easter
